The Adventures of Being a Dad: Part 4

Become the Hero

Part 1: The Adventures of Being a Dad

Part 2: The Problem with Work

Part 3: The Return to Childhood

Part4: Become the Hero

Think back, again, to your childhood.  All those days spent playing in the yard or the woods or the street or on the computer.  What captured your imagination?  Who did you want to be?  Was it Neil Armstrong?  Was it Indiana Jones?  Was it Luke Skywalker or James Bond or Maverick or a Ninja Turtle?  I can remember countless hours spent swinging around a lightsaber.  I don’t recall ever pretending to be a banker, unless I was playing Monopoly.  And though my knowledge is admittedly limited, I’ve never heard of any kid roleplaying as a Project Manager.  A hacker might be appealing, but a salaried software engineer isn’t much of a fantasy.  Of course, that’s what most of us ultimately become—its necessary and good that we do.  But when you think back to your childhood aspirations, did you want to be the worker in the background of the movie?  Or did you want to be the hero?

Guys, you can be the hero.  You can make a difference.  You can change lives.  You can save a world.  It might not be the way you imagined.  You probably won’t save the entire world from nuclear annihilation.  You may not save countless lives by curing cancer.  You’re unlikely to change all of society with your latest invention.  Most people will never know your name or care for a moment about your existence.  But there is one place you are absolutely essential.  There are some lives whose fate you will hold in your hand.  There is a culture that is entirely of your making.  There are people who will tell of your legend, for better or for worse, in perpetuity.  There is a world for you to save.  The world inside your own home. 

It’s a small world, after all, but it’s yours.  Whether it’s a big house, a small apartment, or a single bedroom, you have the power to make it better with your actions and decisions every day.  The way you live your life likely won’t have much direct affect on the wider world, but it can totally transform your home, and that change can spread outward.  Just as cleaning your room, mowing your lawn, trimming the hedges, and sweeping the floors bring some small measure of order and beauty to your space, so does spending time with your family, giving your full attention, supporting your spouse, and teaching your kids creates a sense of peace and stability within your relationships.  You can create a good home for your whole family with your presence, personality, attitude, and skills, making all of their lives better.  You may never be a hero to the general public, but you absolutely can be to your parents or siblings or wife or children.

That’s not to say it’s easy.  Every hero has to go on a journey.  Whether it’s Frodo leaving the Shire chased by Nazgul or Luke Skywalker blasting out of Mos Eisley in the Millennium Falcon, the hero leaves behind what is familiar and comfortable in the pursuit of a higher purpose.  At first it doesn’t seem like a good decision.  They face overwhelming obstacles and setbacks and enemies from without and within.  How can anyone face down the Darth Vader and the Death Star or Sauron and his armies of monsters?  How could anyone resist the temptation of the ring or the allure of the dark side?  Most people would give up and go home, if they didn’t die first, and we wouldn’t blame them, but then there would be no story and no hero.  The hero must persevere and overcome, with the guidance of a mentor and the help of his friends.  Having passed through the fire, he emerges better and stronger, more mature and wise, having grown far beyond the backwater farmboy or innocent hobbit.  He is no longer a boy.  He has become a man.

To become a hero and a man, we have to go through the same journey, minus the magic and the monsters.  Instead, we face fear, doubt, and selfishness, the desire for comfort, the ambition to seek only our own benefit, the anxiety of losing control of our lives.  We face health emergencies and mental pathologies and financial insecurities.  Losing a job or being rejected by a girl may not seem much like an enemy starship or a band of orcs, but it’s a test all the same, and an opportunity.  Your addiction is a dragon you must slay.  My anxiety is a powerful villain.  An argument with your wife, an unexpected bill, or a rebellious child are trials in the ongoing adventure of your life.  Stumbling over them isn’t a tragedy; it’s a necessity.

The trials force us to focus on what is important.  You can get away with lots of harmful behavior when life is easy and comfortable and abundant.  If you win the lottery, you can throw away money on luxuries and trifles without a care, but when money is tight and the bills are due, even a little profligate spending can sink you.  When you’re young, you can eat all the junk food you want, but those same habits when you’re older will wreak havoc on your health.  Then you have to make tough choices.  You have to consider your options.  You have to hold on to the things that matter and throw off everything that don’t.  

You might be surprised by the answers; the heroes almost always are.  What you think you want is rarely what’s actually important.  Frodo thought he wanted a quiet life, like any hobbit, but he chose to head deeper and deeper into Mordor anyway, because he understood his mission was more important than his personal desires.  The end of the world has a way of clarifying that point, but it’s true for all of us.  So often I go into an argument mad about some slight annoyance only to realize it wasn’t worth hurting my wife or our relationship.  All those subscription services or gourmet cups of coffee or latest gadgets or next vacation seem like necessities to make it through the grind of life, but when the budget is tight it actually isn’t hard to choose between that or your kid’s school.  Maturity is about understanding and making these responsible decisions, but no one is responsible unless they are first forced to be, because responsibility requires sacrifice.

To be the hero in your family, you have to make sacrifices for their greater good.  You probably already do.  Maybe you work, maybe in a job you don’t like for hours that are too long, in order to support them.  That’s good, but we need to get over the idea that all men can offer is money, which leads many husbands and dads to be bitter and distant and exhausted.  Your family needs you more than they need your money.  They need your attention, your encouragement, your leadership, your play, your love.  The presence of a father is statistically more important to a child’s success and happiness than their income level.  Giving them one may mean sacrificing some of what you think you want, your relaxation, your hobby, your favorite TV show, your anger, your entitlement to be served and obeyed, your ideal job with all the power and prestige.  It’s hard.  But you don’t come away empty-handed.  You sacrifice your old desires for something better.  

In return, you receive love.  You receive purpose and meaning.  Something to care about that cares for you back.  You have your desires transformed away from yourself and your joys multiplied as a result.  You may not have as much time (or energy) to play in a soccer league, but you get to enjoy teaching your children and watching them play.  You may regret not getting as many date nights with your wife, but you will begin to love sharing dinner with the whole family.  You may fall behind on a few of your favorite shows, but gain a whole new library of movies with the kids.  You may spend less time at the office and not get that promotion or raise to buy the house or trips or tools you want, but you get to spend less time at the office and more time at home with the things that matter.  And of course, there are still many tedious chores you have to do, late nights and dirty diapers and overflowing laundry and tough conversations, but being responsible is a price you will gladly pay for those you love.  

You may come to see them not as sacrifices at all but simply as a better way to live.  When he’s slain all the monsters and brings peace, the hero doesn’t long for the war-torn world of his youth, though he remains vigilant for their return.  Luke could not imagine returning to farming after becoming a Jedi Knight.  The journey was long and hard, but there is no going back.

Wherever you are in life, start that journey now.  Your (future) wife needs you.  Your (future) children need you.  You want to change the world?  You want to make a difference?  You want to have a grand adventure?  The opportunity is waiting for you within your own home.  Answer the call.  Become the hero.  Be a man.