So, about Being Your Authentic Self…

If you’re a Millennial (or younger), I have some news that might be very distressing for you.  No doubt you’ve watched plenty of shows and movies about accepting your true identity or listened to music about loving who you are or seen all the ads promising to help you become your own individual (generally by drinking the world’s most popular soda or wearing clothes mass-produced in China).  You can’t go anywhere without seeing this message in one form or another.  I was in the bathroom at a coffee shop the other day, where the place, looking for new employees at this particular link of the megachain, promised me it was dedicated to helping its workers become their “most authentic selves.”  I get why they do it.  It has appeal with my generation.  We’ve been told for as long as I can remember that we are all unique, special, destined for great things and bright futures and perfect happiness, that all we need to do is live according to our authentic selves.  Instead we got depression and anxiety and discord and violence.  Because there’s a big problem (and you might want to brace yourself, because this is the part that may sting a little): your authentic self kinda sucks.

I don’t know about you, but my authentic self is a loser who would love nothing more than to sit by himself all day playing games, eating cereal and popcorn and Bojangles.  He wants to form relationships but can’t, either fearful of rejection or too aloof to do the work required.  He is often anxious because overanalyzes every situation, getting trapped in his won thoughts, and so seems cold.  He’s arrogant and a bit vain, even narcissistic.  This is not an exhaustive list.  There are some good things about him, too, but you’d never get to see them if he got his way.  That’s why I try not to let him.  It’s hard.

A person is not a collection of immutable characteristics, thank God.  We do not have a perfect inner being that we simply need to discover.  Anyone with kids know this.  Children are little monsters.  They have to be taught not to kick or scream or whine or take the last donut.  Life is about growth.  Pruning is required.  That’s what a parent does.  It’s what society is supposed to do.  All of civilization, until five minutes ago, was designed to prevent people from becoming their authentic selves, to shape them into good citizens who could live with other people despite their individual desires.  That’s why we socialize kids, play games with them to learn rules, have playdates to interact with others, send them to school with a class of peers.  We work to make our kids to be a very specific kind of person with very specific virtues, not a pure, authentic self, free from all outside influence.  An isolated child is a wounded animal, desperate and dangerous.

Authenticity alone is not a virtue on its own.  It depends on the underlying reality.  Something can be authentically bad.  The authentic serial-killer does not get any credit for living out his true calling.  It’s not good to be mean simply because you are a prickly person by nature.  People hate a faker, but if you are genuinely not friendly or not kind or not generous or not loving or not honest, I suggest the least you can do is try to fake it.  People will like you more.  And you might just improve with practice.  You might actually become authentically good.

Of course, that’s not what people generally mean when they say to be authentic.  They mean something more like follow your passion or express your individual fashion sense or don’t worry about the judgment of others.  They are thinking of their good traits or their personal quirks or their superficial pursuits.  It is good to express yourself honestly (to an extent) and to not let other opinions control you (when they are wrong) and pursue things you enjoy (if they are good), but the words we use matter.  Using vague or inaccurate language causes confusion and leads to false assumptions and unmet expectations.

If you believe, perhaps without realizing it, that your only goal is to be true to yourself, how do you grow?  How do you branch out?  How do you try something new?  Worse, how do you even know who you truly are in the first place?  Humans have so many conflicting desires and interests and personalities.  Which are you supposed to follow?  Who are you supposed to be?

Seeking “authenticity” may dissuade you from listening to the advice or learning from the experience of others.  It may lock you in a course you know isn’t working or lost in a fog of doubt and anxiety when your “authentic” self isn’t as happy or fulfilled as you imagined.  It’s much harder and more painful to change “who you truly are” than to shift from one possibility to another.  You’ll never escape this confining definition of self so long as you keep turning inward.  To grow, you have to look up.

Instead of a nebulous authenticity, set your goal on a concrete ideal.  Don’t ask “Who am I?”  Ask “Who do I want to be?”  Maybe it’s a role model, someone you truly admire.  Maybe it’s a set of principles or standards.  Maybe it’s something as simple as a career or relationship goal.  The point is that it’s not yourself.  It’s something outside yourself, in the distance, that you can reach for.  It’s a way to orient your life, preventing you from spinning in circles.  It’s hard because it involves acknowledging that you aren’t good enough and because it feels fake when you don’t live up to it.  That’s ok, because you can improve.

Take an honest look at yourself.  You are unique individual.  That’s true.  But you are not perfect.  Having unique faults doesn’t make them any better.  The way you act or the things you like or the person you are may not be the best or lead to success or make you happiest.  Don’t worry, we’re all right there with you.  We all question our own inadequacies.  We all question why we are one way and not another.  We all question who we are and who we should be.  You’ll never find those answers within yourself, though, no matter how deep you dig.  Stop digging.  Reach for a higher ideal, whether in your family or society or religion, to find a path upward and outward.  Don’t try to be your authentic self.  Be better.